A funny thing has been happening lately… it’s something that has been a growing phenomenon within me for years, and appears to be crossing a threshold right now… it’s an unshakeable feeling of inner poetry, even in the face of insane challenges and circumstances.
Getting Beeja up and motoring without financial support has been mind-blowing. We have faced a deluge of difficulties that have really tested the team and I. Physically it’s been breathtakingly hard. Mentally, the bandwidth it’s taken to develop the project has been beyond anything I could have imagined. Financially, the pressure has made me feel like I was a meteor burning up in the atmosphere. Emotionally, it’s been quite simply brutal. I saw so much weakness I lost my faith in humanity and it made it hard to keep going… my sense of idealism got knocked so completely the joyful innocence that characterised the early part of this monolithic journey vaporised.
And yet, it’s not what happens to us which is important, but how we respond… how we elevate ourselves beyond our conditioned patterns and pathways. There is so much that is positive that can come from being tested beyond your limit. You realise that even when you feel your reserves are gone, there is yet another reservoir to tap into. You find out exactly what you’re made of and whether you’re doing what you’re doing for the right reasons – there’s simply no hiding from the truth of your being. Ultimately, it gives you a resilience you never even knew was possible…
What’s been most startling, has been the fact that it’s not been nearly as grim as this report may suggest… it’s actually exposed me to a layer of inner reality that had only been partially available to me, especially when the chips were down.
In the very darkest of hours, there was light. Shadows couldn’t bind me, knaves could no longer trick me, hope no longer became necessary. I stared into the abyss of ego death, and it was all ok.
I’ve woken up most mornings singing in the shower. I’ve felt unfeasibly chipper, and things have been bouncing off me with a simple shrug of the shoulders. I have come to realise that much of what I felt was negative was not mine at all, I was absorbing it from other people and taking it on as my own. And when I allow myself to not sponge up other’s stuff, all I feel is a rising sense of mellifluous poetry.
At times it manifests itself as an overwhelming sense of unconditional love that wants to tell all you beautiful souls how wonderful you are… it actually feels quite awkward, because as I’ve found to my cost, only deeply spiritual people seem ok with me chewing their ear off about how utterly adorable they are!
There is an almost ubiquitous sense of spring in my step… my spine feels super straight and open even when I’ve done a 14 hour day… there is a smile radiating from my heart and my belly… I find myself wanting to send loving text messages to so many people, and at times it feels like I’m going to burst… at other times, it makes me want to weep… it’s like the final damn of my heart is cracking open and flowers are blooming from all the energy centres of my body.
It’s also confusing! I have absolutely no reason to feel like this! At this very moment in time, there are so many hardcore situations percolating in my life, personal and professional, and yet all I need is a few hours rest here and there, and everything flows with effortless ease.
This light is always there. It never leaves us. It never fails us. When the dark times come, we often lose heart, we sometimes lose faith in ourselves, and others… but the fire that exists at the core of our being still burns, especially when we kindle it with the nectar of pure intention. All we need do is keep the connection open.
The irony is, I’m not even out of the woods yet. There are still some hurdles to overcome, and any single one of them could catch me out. There’s actually a part of me that wonders if by broadcasting this sentiment midstream, it may somehow jinx it. But who cares? If we can’t be authentic, what have we got left? Do we have to keep hiding in the closet, presenting what we think other people want to see or hear? Or do we let our light shine? Do we let the agony and the ecstasy bubble up in incandescent waves of truthfulness?
I’m learning to ride these waves as best I can. As much as the little boy in me wants to sing from the heavens sometimes, the man in me quietly holds it in, going about his business, with a universe of truth sitting behind the somewhat jaded exterior… the mind boggles what these levels of poetry will actually feel like when I start taking time off… I await that with baited breath!
There’s also a fascinating sense of resolve. Ever since my very first retreat, I’ve known this poetry exists. After a joyous afternoon of rounding, it became startlingly, viscerally apparent that within each and every one of us, there is a pot of gold that would be the envy of any rainbow.
There is a core of pure, molten, liquid light. It is there when we fall in love. It says hello when our first child is born… it momentarily spikes when we enjoy a great connection with someone… and it positively radiates when we elevate ourselves beyond the storylines that have been holding us back.
It’s all there. Waiting for us to discover… to invoke… to tease out and to rejoice in. We’ve all had a glimpse. We all yearn for more. We may not exactly what it is, but we feel it. We can almost taste it sometimes and it is tantalising. And yet we all underestimate its depth, its breadth and its all-conquering nature. We allow ourselves to believe that these joyous moments of bliss can only be temporary, because our individuated egos and intellects believe we are only temporary… ergo, how could anything so full of expression live on in permanence?
All we need do is go for gold, step beyond our limits, and say yes to that which was always ours to claim. A field of gold so lush every heartbeat feels like an earthquake. Every moment feels unbearably beautiful. Every impulse feels like a creative supernova.
Go for gold boys and girls. Step beyond your limits, and may you all find the infinite field of auriferous poetry that lies within.
With Love and Rhyme